I knew no good would come out of moving into a neighborhood with construction ceaselessly occurring. Every morning at 6:00 AM, I am woken up by the sound of machinery grinding away. When the dodgy structure behind my apartment was finally torn down, all of the cockroaches lost their home – and guess where they all went? Bingo! Now I can’t even turn on the light in my bathroom without noticing at least three of those beasts scampering out of the bright fluorescent glow.

But the worst part of all I didn’t even see coming – nobody did, really. I was walking to the grocery store, minding my own damn business, when a plank came out of nowhere and whacked me in the head. I thought the rented chain-link gate would have provided enough distance between the construction of new row homes and the vulnerable population of pedestrians, but I’ve been wrong plenty of times before. If this were any ordinary plank, I may have been lucky enough to walk away with a concussion. Unfortunately, this block of wood had a nail sticking out of it, and currently, that very nail is embedded within my scull.

As I sit here being examined by doctors who have never seen anything quite like this before, I can’t help but think about what they’ll tell their wives when they get home:

“Honey, you’ll never guess what happened today. A man came in with a plank nailed into his head!”

“Good God, was he alright?”

“Sure, his head’s doing fine now. Although, I can’t really help the fact that he’s a pessimistic asshole.”

          by Jay Burnham