One of my favorite hobbies is stealing things. It’s not the fact that I don’t make enough money to buy things I want, or even because it’s ridiculously easy and fun. Rather, it’s the rush I get from doing something I know is wrong in a retaliatory move against a capitalist society. To be clear, I don’t steal from any mom and pop stores or anything like that – only corporate giants that have a budget to accommodate hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shoplifted merchandise.
Try it – it’s incredibly easy. Most people make the mistake of slipping something into their coat or bag right after getting it off the shelves. The key is to look like you belong in the store, employ a cool swagger that gives the impression that YOU couldn’t be doing anything wrong. Shove it into your bag in an aisle where no cameras seem to spy on you. Personally, I like to hold whatever I want to steal out in the open like I would with something I actually paid for. This tends to work like a charm. One time, I actually filled up an entire shopping cart full of food and rolled it on out of there without arousing any sort of suspicion whatsoever!
However, what keeps most people from stealing is the fear of getting caught. Now, shoplifting demands a bit of planning beforehand. If there’s a hulking security guard standing by the one and only exit, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Although it is completely ILLEGAL for any store to force anyone to stay inside until the police arrive, they will try to do it anyway. I even knew one person who made it out of the store that was tackled by the security guard, pulled back inside, and later prosecuted for shoplifting. Regardless, just remember that it is totally unconstitutional for a private citizen to hold anyone against their own will. So the next time an employee asks you not to walk out with that flat-screen television you obviously didn’t pay for, don’t stop casually walking away until you’re of their property. After all, why work to buy a commodity you can steal in a matter of minutes?
by Jay Burnham
